Many years ago someone I trusted suggested to me that an important part of the work I came here to do is to achieve balance. In our journeys we often stretch the energies to extremes to learn the lessons that come with those distortions. For instance in a particular lifetime we might express an extreme amount of greed. There are many lessons that can be learned from such an experience. And later we might choose to experience a very austere or even impoverished life to have an experience that is the opposite of the one that was centered around greed. Along with the lessons that come with those experiences can also come a need for healing. We can create distortions in our own energy through having these kinds of experiences, and healing comes with bringing the energies back into balance again.
In a prior entry I talked about how the muggle job helps me to work on my issues around having a failure mentality. In order to break free of that mentality I needed to keep persevering in the face of difficulty until I experienced a feeling of success and developed a success mentality. But an important part of that is also being able to let go of the need for the feeling of success. Because balance is never achieved when there is an emotional need for something, or a dependence on it. Need/dependence takes things out of balance.
I did achieve the success that I wanted on the job. And I was getting a lot of positive feedback about the job I was doing. My team lead regularly told me how much she depended on me and how I was her “go to” girl. In our coaching sessions she always just said that I should keep doing the great job I was doing. It was a nice feeling. Lately things have taken a different turn. I’m still regularly getting the highest percentage on my QA score metrics of everyone in my program (this is expressed as an average, with my average usually being more than 98%), and since they started recording survey results I have received the highest possible score on all of the surveys returned for my calls. But my ranking went way down in June. This was the result of my reliability metric taking a huge hit because our ISP was out of service for most of my shift one day, because I work the closing shift which has fewer callers, causing my rank for number of calls taken to be less than most of my co-workers, and because I took two calls that were very difficult and required a lot of time and work to resolve, causing my average call handle time metric to take a big hit. But rather than seeing that it’s not a lack of competence that caused my ranking to suffer so much, but the result of factors that were beyond my control, she’s been behaving toward me as though I need remedial help and that I haven’t been doing the good job that I actually have been doing and that my QA scores and returned surveys would indicate.
This of course brings up all kinds of old scars related to when I was a child trying to navigate the world with undiagnosed ADD and an undiagnosed learning disability. I knew I was doing the best I could but my best was never good enough. I developed a hair trigger response to anything that felt to me like injustice. My current situation at work is the perfect vehicle for bringing up those old patterns and examining them and clearing them out. I’ve experienced success on the job and now it’s time for me to lose the emotional attachment to having that experience. The way to clear these patterns out is to allow myself to have these experiences and not react to them with negative energy, or allow them to distort the way I see myself. I have to just keep seeing myself from the perspective of a success mentality and trust that whatever is happening in my job is what I need to experience right now and not see it as a reflection on me or my value as a person. Of course the aspect of me that needs to heal wants to scream and struggle against the old patterns of injustice, but on a very deep level I understand what is going on and what needs to be done.
By allowing these experiences, and by not continuing to contribute to energy distortions by adding negative energy or allowing them to erode my sense of self-worth, the patterns will eventually clear out and the energies will heal and come into balance.